wishes are deceiving

eric: mr. feeny had a bunch of junk and his house and sold it for some money, and i got to thinking to myself. i said, "kyle--"
alan: kyle?? who's kyle?
eric: that's what i call myself. i said, "kyle, YOU should sell old junk!"

how come it still hurts?

i was listening to music for three hours last night, and, at almost every song, i practically starting crying. i was reflecting on the summer, and just...thinking about past mistakes and experiences. i found it unnerving that music can have such control over my emotions.

ever since saturday, i’ve been thinking a lot about relationships. not just my current ones, but ones of the past. do we ever really get over our past loves? are we ever really able to accept the inevitable and move on? how much time must pass before all feelings for a past lover dissolve completely?

my friend bess went out with this guy john when she was 14 and he was 18. they broke up after a couple months. this was two years ago. but, two days ago, john and bess started talking. as i watched them, i wondered: as much as bess claimed to hate john, and as much as she claimed that she was over him...was she? i saw them talking and i saw the look in her eye. there was something there.

i think that relationships when the guy is significantly older than the girl are much different than any other. somehow, someway, by the guy being older, SOMETHING happens to the girl. i can’t explain it, or even try to understand it, but it’s true. i think that there’s some sort of satisfaction that a girl gets by having an older guy pay attention to her. i know i’ve experienced it. and it’s horrible because when the relationship ends, the guy can move on so much quicker than the girl can.

i still haven’t moved on. but i’m trying.

and i wonder...how come when we desperately want to see the good in people, we only see the bad? and, relating to my problem, how come when we NEED to see the bad in people, we only focus on the good, no matter how much OBVIOUS bad there is?

it makes moving on just a tad bit more difficult now, doesn’t it?

my last entry got deleted, but luckily, i save things.
this whole summer has been a joke. i just wish i was important enough, and i wish my feelings could be trusted. i just hate that  feeling in your stomach, you know?  the one that tells you that it's not okay, even though you're going to smile and laugh because this is what you do. i wish i could be myself. i wish i could just sit and talk to someone, and it would be wonderful, and we wouldn't have to do anything special. but i'm just not, i don't know, interesting enough. i feel like everything i'm upset about isn't important, because it probably isn't. but i'm just getting really sick of trying to make everyone happy. i really can't stand forgetting myself just because i don't want anyone to be mad at me and i want everyone to be happy. even if it means i can't be. i hate this guilt and this shame and all of this bullshit that i feel just because i didn't say exactly the right thing. more than anything right now, i just need to see lindsay (which thankfully i'm doing). i know we could just talk and it would be like perfection. i know she is the only person who doesn't expect something from me, and doesn't think i have to act a certain way, not even subconciously. i'm so fucking tired of trying to please everyone. i hate replaying conversations in my head, thinking of what i could've said differently to have made the other person happy. i hate going out of my way as to not upset anyone. i hate it when peope i trust keep things from me. i hate that i'm expected to be happy and smiling and never ever mad of sad and i never tell anyone about my problems and i can never cry, not even in front of myself, and i don't know what to do. i am trying to kill emotions and everything, so i don't have to think abou tthis, but it's hard not to do when you're alone. i am trying to convince myself that i am okay and nothing is wrong, and i probably deserve to come last, because everyone else is better and more important. and really, i'm just a waste of time. like this whole piece of shit was a waste of space. i'm sorry.

as i was coloring my obnoxious birthday card for my mom yesterday, i got to thinking. life is like coloring. see, i started out concentrating really hard on coloring the balloons pink. they looked awesome, if i do say so myself. but then, i heard carrie’s voice on the television (carrie from sex and the city), and i looked up in excitement. in doing so, i screwed up my coloring. it looked horrible. so i realized how much like life coloring really is. the MINUTE you start thinking with anything other than your brain, you fuck it up. the SECOND emotions come into play, it all goes downhill. so everyone should just live life practically, and then, maybe no one will get hurt.

i need to stop wanting things that will never happen.

i hate to think that i could still have feelings for someone who doesn’t even know me. someone whose mind i never cross. someone who will never think of me as more than a lesser version of myself. i’m not asking to be appreciated by him or anything like that, because i don’t think i deserve THAT.

i don’t want to be the only one with these feelings. i’m tired of one-sided love affairs, where i see the love, and he only sees the affair.

it’s not fair.